Original Publication Information:
Suedomsa the Magazine August 1998 Volume
Two, Issue Two
You ain't got a job, you ain't got a life by Joni Mirolla
Here, there was no thirty minute guarantee but the whole school got a
forty percent discount on everything for keeping the pizza place in
business, demanding pizza at 2am. It was a very sweet deal and they
exploited it regularly. You did read last issue, didn't you? If not, boy are you lost.
Joni has my apologies for butchering her tale - the editor.
About forty minutes, what seemed like an infinite amount of whining about
wasting away to nothing, and several passionate toe-sucking pleas later,
the pizza arrived. Red ran downstairs to open the locked hall door for
the pizza man, and paid him off. She dashed upstairs, hoping against hope
to make it back to the room before being detected, but it was not to be.
The food-omniscient pair from the unwashed masses down the hall saw her
sneaking around in such a feline manner.
"Well dear, how lovely to see you! Is that a pizza?" They had all the
subtlety the Pavlovian dogs, and edge forward as she stepped back and
grabbed the doorknob, the overall effect being an amusing rendition of the
cha-cha.
"Fie! Back fiends! Quell your mutinous murmuring! This is for Jon and
Heather who're just hungry enough to bite you, if you get between them and
their precious sustenance. Begone! Back to those pits of dirty clothes
and dust-rhinos from whence you came." She shooed them wildly with her
free hand.
"Man, what happened to community spirit?" they mumbled, as they
reluctantly retreated to the front lines of their game of Risk.
She opened the door and heard, "My sex life is so boring I'm using my
handcuffs as a bike lock!"
"And the rest of us are doing so well," She quipped. Jon snatched the
pizza from her in an altogether uncalled for, violent manner. "Some
freshman tried to pick me up by stunning me with his academic wit. He
would have gotten better results by stunning me with a good club to the
head. I believe his exact words were, 'I am the Son of Zeus, bow down
before me and let me bathe you in my golden showers.' Before I could
escape, he did. He peed all over my shoes. I don't drink enough to like
this place."
The other two, now somewhat sated, slowed their mad feeding frenzy and
sighed with contentment. Jon stretched out on the floor and unbuttoned
his pants.
"Did you all look at your grades from last year?" Heather asked. "I failed
Feminist Theory."
Red roared. "That like failing gym class." Heather laughed so hard that
her all-natural dirt tea came out her nose.
I'm sure the feminist movement would love to adopt that little statement
as their motto...maybe put it on a flag?"
"I think Jon here should be their mascot. They could put him on a leash
and bring him to parades," Heather giggled.
He threw a pillow at her head. She returned fire, and within a few
seconds all three were involved in a full blown pillow fight. Students
walking from the library back to their dorms saw the white fallout.
"You know, those girls who live in that room," a boy wearing a shirt
pointed up to their windows, "they're really strange. One night, someone
said the blonde set herself on fire..."
The Heart Ache Journal of James T. Holden age 19 Entry #7 cont. Feb 2,
1998 by Matthew Sorvillo
The cafe has always played host to some of the weirdest people I've ever
encountered outside of Manhattan. And tonight was no exception. However,
this evening it was also the setting for the craziest thing that's ever
happened to me. A strange girl tried to fuck me in the ladies room! Can
you believe that? I didn't even know her.
When I left my parents' house I was both depressed and pissed off by my
inability to get Christy out of my thoughts. I told myself to fuck it,
and decided that I wasn't gonna waste my time being a lonely,
broken-hearted idiot. If she had found someone else, I would too.
When I walked into the cafe I saw three pretty girls sitting at a table.
I felt a wicked grin pass over my lips. One of the girls had a very curly
long black hair. I immediately thought of how different it was from
Christy's short, straight, blonde hair. She looked at me and smiled. We
maintained eye contact until I reached the sales counter. I ordered a
drink and lit a cigarette.
She walked over and asked to bum a smoke. After I gave her one of my
camels, we began to talk. I think she said her name was Evelin. The
conversation drifted around, and before long she was telling me about her
latest tattoo. My mind started to wander back to thoughts of the small
red rose etched on Christy's right ankle. I began to miss her. Then I got
angry at myself. Here I was, out of the house for the first time in
weeks. Talking to beautiful girl. And somehow Christy was finding a way
to spoil it.
So when Evelin asked if I'd follow her to the ladies room to see the
latest addition to her body art, I was right on her heels. Once in there,
she unbuckled her overalls and dropped them to the floor. That wasn't
quite what I was expecting. I started to question the innocence of this
situation. But sure enough, right above her panty line was a small pink
butterfly. I told her it was very nice and went for the door in an act of
nervous anxiety. But she stopped the door with her foot and asked if I
wanted to see the one on her back.
Then she took off her shirt to reveal a small fairy tattoo on her
shoulder. I couldn't believe my eyes. She was beautiful. This girl was
half naked and all alone with me. She laughed at my awkward silence, for
mind had gone blank, and then began kissing me. My head was swimming. I
couldn't believe what was going on. She undid my belt and started to
unzip my pants when I finally came to my senses.
I didn't love this girl. I didn't even know her. And what kind of fucked
up slut lures a guy into the women's toilet with stories about tattoos and
then tries to fuck him? I suddenly found her repellant in every way. So I
pushed her off of me.
Without a word I left the bathroom and was travelling fast out of the
cafe. Once outside I began to wonder if I had done the right thing. I
quickly realized I didn't want that girl. I still want to be with
Christy. Besides, why would I want to lose my virginity to a beautiful
stranger when I could be a lonely, brokenhearted idiot?
