Original Publication Information:
Suedomsa the Magazine July 1998 Volume Two, Issue
One
Presents Tales From the Wif Kiss of Life part two by Andy Marx
They are three guys sharing an apartment, nicknamed the Wif. They are
Lang, Dodge and Kip. Unfortunately, three guys living in an apartment
together invites trouble. I'm not talking the kind of problems that arise
from not cleaning the bathroom after a month. I'm talking vampires and
mysterious disappearances and bounty hunters arriving on your doorstep to
collect "the power." Guys like adventure, don't get me wrong, but assault
after assault of the most insidious, defiling nature in their apartment is
more along the lines of what we're talking here. It gets a little
tiring.
A conversation. It happened a while ago.
He said it once and he'll say it again.
"That's the fuckin' grossest thing I've ever seen in my entire life."
Dodge sat on the couch, waving frenetically at the screen. "There's
nothing normal about that."
Kip leaned into the argument. "I'm not saying it's normal. I'm saying
you shouldn't condemn them simply because..." he pointed at Dodge and then
his eyes drifted to the television screen. He cranked his neck in disgust
and his eyes bulged..."because of that?"
On the screen was a man sucking the blood from the back of a younger
gentleman. They were both moaning in ecstasy.
"That," Dodge said, "is disgusting."
Vampires. Not the creatures of legend, but humans who took the most
stereotypical aspects of vampire and transformed it into a
counter-culture. The central ritual of sucking blood, for one.
Dodge shrieked, "How can you defend that?"
"It's gruesome, I admit," Kip said, "and it's not like I'm defending it, I
just don't think we have the right to judge."
"What if you walked into a bar and everyone in there were vampires who
looked at you like a cocktail?"
"I'd leave."
Dodge popped off the couch. "You can't stand the sight of blood. A paper
cut sends you reeling."
Kip snapped his fingers and hopped twice towards the bathroom. "I'd
leave."
Brave words then. But now Kip has met one such victim of counter-culture,
a small, bloodthirsty girl, who for as yet mysterious reasons, kidnapped
Kip and his roommates. We'll give it away, they were kidnapped in order
for the girl to use their apartment. Anyway, Kip's aforementioned bravado
in the face of vampires is about to be tested. If they ever escape their
imprisonment.
We'll give it away. They're about to.
Lang was now at a ninety-degree angle. He could see where his feet were
bound to the pull-up bar by chains. They would around his ankles and the
bar, without any definitive knot. He was amazed they hadn't slipped free
and sent him to the ground. "It's like a shoelace that's knotted. I
should be able to get it out but it'll take some time. If I can hold
myself in this position. My back already kills. Dodge, my man, can you
get out?"
Dodge was underneath an overturned piece of exercise equipment. He was
big boy and although he wasn't injured, the equipment's arms constrained
him. He lay doggy style on the floor, almost sitting in the equipment
seat.
Lang concentrated on holding himself up with one arm by attaching his hand
tightly around the bar. He used the other to disentangle his legs. Dodge
gave a push on the machinery. "Just testing," he said. "It'll be hard to
get any leverage since I'm so much bigger than this cage." He put his
shoulder against the cage and it nudged slightly. Every time he put his
weight into it, the equipment rattled but he was no where near knocking it
over.
"Keep going, Dodge," Kip called out. "You're almost there!"
Dodge lifted his head. "And what exactly are you doing?"
Kip made a cursory tug on his bonds. He was tied to an exercise
bench.
Lang freed one leg and started spinning. "Woah. Watch out down there,
Kip. I'm going to arf."
He vomited, trying to project it away from his roommate. It landed with a
splash on Kip's bare feet. "Sorry, man."
"I'm never wearing those again."
Dodge was frustrated. He pushed each side, trying to rock the equipment
back and forth. Finally, he anger exploded and he rammed his fist into a
black latch. The machine popped and the arms swung down and clicked into
place out of the way. "Shit." Without the arms blocking his way, it was
a
simple thing to manuever out from underneath.
Lang got the last leg of chain unwrapped. He hung right side up, holding
on to the pull-up bar until he could gauge his landing. "Hey, Dodge,
could you come catch me? I know I'm not high, but I can't quite feel my
legs and I'm not sure what'll be like to land on 'em."
Dodge helped Lang to the ground and left him there. He then examined
Kip's bonds. "Just slipped your hands through, you ass!"
"That'd hurt." Dodge grabbed Kip's hand and forced it through the hole.
Kip screamed like a girl. He snatched his arm away. "I'll get the rest
of them, thank you very much." He freed his arms and legs. He sat up and
rubbed his wrists.
Lang tried to lie on the ground, but he visualized bugs crawling in
his hair and he had to sit up. "So now what?"
Kip stood up and put his hands on his hips. He said, with the air of
authority that was more laughable than believable, "Now, we take back our
apartment from that vampire bitch and her blood sucking friends."
to be concluded...
Next: Do we even need to say it? In one month, Assault on the Wif!
