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Heinz 47 Heinz 47 Heinz 47 Heinz 47 Heinz 47
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Original Publication Information:
Suedomsa the Magazine  November 1997  Volume One, Issue Four
Heinz 47 by Dara Shifrer
If this were my world and the only important thing was music and all musicians were as worthy as their music and all men were conglomerates of musicians, I would be married to Tomaljohn Pettjourden. Tomaljohn and I would sit in our little cabin-hut by the sparkling river and I wouldn't really mind his fleeting schizophrenia.
There would not be a smidgen of Tom Petty in Tomaljohn's looks, but there would be a lot in his soul. Every little note of his voice would be soothing familiar insight, like the sway of a breeze over a field of sunflowers; just as Tom knows how to weave a song that touches the deep of the want. Tomaljohn would also have Tom's knack for utter absurdity; Kim Basinger wouldn't be allowed to visit but Alice would. And on our numerous road trips down desert freeways, Tomaljohn and I would probably even play some Tom. Mostly, whenever life was contrary to me, the Tom part of Tomaljohn would comfort me and relate to me because Tom Knows.
Despite being an alcoholic wife-beater (so I hear) the purity and simple goodness of John Denver would be in my Tomaljohn too. He'd appreciate "country roads" and "west mountain mamas." Our little daughter would be the "sunshine on his shoulders." There would be a deep peace and love for the Allness in Tomaljohn. This peace would not be related to anything city or people, but would be a fresh cold bubbling spring inside of him. Entertainment and joy would be something we could create. He would be a man of contentment.
Then to counteract all of the wish-wash, Tomaljohn would have a good dose of beautiful Al Jourgansen. Just like a Ministry song, Tomaljohn would be fast, hard and above all, so perfectly tight. He would be very aware of a dark side of the world and life, and would not mind throwing all things conventional into the face of society. He would know that there is much in this world to hate and rage against. Unexpectedly, though, Tomaljohn would have the looseness Al explores in Revolting Cocks. Tomaljohn's voice would be the exact copy of Al's (see sexy laugh in Revolting Cock's Rod Stewart cover) as would his sexual nature. Tomaljohn would be hard guy who gets the world.
And so, in happiness we'd live in our cabin-hut, Tomaljohn and me and our dog named Lassbento.