Original Publication Information:
Suedomsa the Magazine October 1997 Volume
One, Issue Three
Tabitha's Men by Tabitha Wharton
Dating is a strange ritual. We puff ourselves up and try to look better
than we are on any normal day. It's a big game, and it can be fun, but it
can also get really old.
My mother wouldn't let me date until I was 16 years old, and I can't
believe it's only been 4 years. At first, I wanted to be in a
semi-serious relationship, but somehow the one guy I dated my junior year
didn't even kiss me, and we were exclusive for four months. Right before
we moved to Las Vegas, when I was almost 17, I got my first kiss from a
creep who never called me again. He was too old for me anyway. And after
he kissed me, I wanted to vomit. Once I moved here, I was in a string of
bad relationships with men who were either assholes, emotionally
unbalanced, or suffered some sort of brain deficiency. None of them
lasted more than a month and a half. Needless to say, when I got
college, I had a little bit of a bad attitude towards men in general,
although I still hoped that somewhere there might be a decent guy who
would take interest in me. How wrong I was...
During my freshman year, I had a string of flirtatious flings and
pseudo-one-night stands where nothing but foreplay ever happned. I got
tired of that and agreed to date a friend of a friend. I'll never let
anyone set me up on a blind date again. He said he wanted a relationship,
but he really wanted to use me as a foreplay toy. After about two months
of him refusing to claim me as his girlfriend and pushing me into doing
things I wasn't ready for, I put my foot down. I told him either we put a
name to our relationship, or it was over. He never spoke to me again.
I decided to give as good as I had gotten and became a player. I pulled
the men I dated along on a string and as soon as they started caring too
much I'd bring out the scissors. Luckily, I outgrew that pretty quickly.
My last boyfriend was the best of the lot, although our relationship left
a lot t obe desired. Even he turned out to have emotional problems that I
couldn't fix. So now I'm alone again, faced with the dating game.
Personally, I think I'll just keep my bed to myself, thank you. It's
better than constantly worrying about if some messed-up male is interested
or not.
Bonus Quiz by Hilary Real, Tabitha Wharton and Andy Marx
For those of you who have found that perfect guy, but aren't sure if he's
available, we've included this perfect test. Just let him fill out the
answers and give it back to you for consideration.
1. Given a choice, which do you prefer, the Stratosphere or the Grand
Canyon?
2. Who looks better in a dress, Patrick Swayze or Jennifer Grey?
3. Given a choice, which do you prefer, Manpower Australia or Crazy
Girls?
4. If a guy slaps you on the ass, is he making a pass at you or are you
playing baseball?
5. Given a choice, which do you prefer, Jeffrey or
Sabrina?
6. Do you swallow or wipe?
7. Given a choice, which you do prefer, meat or melons?
8. Do you have fashion sense?
9. Given a choice, which do you prefer, the maintenance man or the
cleaning lady?
10. Do you call yourself Vaughn?
11. Do you pronounce her name Regena or Regina?
