Original Publication Information:
Suedomsa the Magazine October 1997 Volume
One, Issue Three
Battle of the Bedmates by Marianne Yco
"Scoot over."
"You're too warm."
"Contrary to popular belief, I do like to have the sheets cover BOTH sides
of my body."
"Please get your hands out of there."
"Cut your goddamn toenails, Freddy Krueger!"
Sound familiar? Well, there are some of the joys of sharing a bed.
Now, most people I know who sleep alone complain it's no fun to sleep
alone. I don't dispute that. They must, however, keep in mind that along
with snuggling, comes the griping.
Thus, the feud begins.
Most might say that in such unpleasant situations, compromise is in order.
However, some of us are not so compliant at three o'clock in the
morning.
Who wants to reach over to scratch the back of the very person who
complains, "You're doing it too lightly, move to the left, to the right,
you keep missing the spot" in the middle of your Pulitzer Prize acceptance
speech?
Or, who truly doesn't mind getting up to change the temperature on the
thermostat for the comfort of one's "Honey, I can't get up because I've
been tossing and turning all night and just found the perfect position"
bed partner, even though you were in the midst of skiing in Aspen with
Pierce Brosnan?
Certainly, not I.
So, when both partners are unyielding to the other's wishes, there are a
few tactics one may employ to ensure a comfortable night is spent by
both. WARM FRONTS (OR BACKS OR SIDES)
1. Use separate blankets. The colder partner can ward off ice-demons with
a cozy comforter while the warm one can lay languidly beneath a sheer
sheet.
2. Share a common sheet while placing a thicker blanket over the colder
partner.
3. Have one partner sleep on the floor while the other sleeps on top of a
high shelf. (Heat rises, doesn't it?)
4. Separate beds in different homes. THE GREAT WALL OF CHINA (KEEPS INTRUDERS FROM COMING OVER)
1. Place a pillow in the middle so that stray limbs can rest comfortably
without disturbing the sleeping companion.
2. Sleep against the wall to keep from falling off the bed. (You may also
use the wall to push back so you don't get permanent stucco imprints on
your face.)
3. Sleep next to each other on the floor. This way, you have a whole room
in which to roll around.
4. Separate beds in different homes. GODDAMN IT, MY RADIO'S DEAD (THE ART OF MISCOMMUNICATION)
1. If the other refuses to do his or her own dirty work that requires
getting up, ignore all requests. The next morning, swear up and down you
slept like a log and couldn't hear/feel a thing (despite your visible
scars and hearing loss).
2. Sleep with your head at the foot of the bed so your partner will be
pleading with your feet, not your ears.
3. Listen to what the other says, but don't actually do it.
4. Separate beds in different homes.
To some of us, sleeping besides our respective partners is worth these
minor frays. However, for those who complain about not having a
bed-buddy, but refuse to sacrifice an undisturbed night of rest, my advice
is to sleep ALONE.
